OWN THE GREY

Limiting Beliefs Be Gone!

March 01, 2024 Debra Jones RM with Debbie Weiss Season 3 Episode 68
OWN THE GREY
Limiting Beliefs Be Gone!
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Show Notes Transcript

🔔✨ Discover the extraordinary in the ordinary! 🤩 In this captivating episode, we dive deep into identifying and conquering your self-imposed limitations, challenging the status quo, and embracing a "Maybe I CAN!" mindset! 🚀 Join me, Debra Jones, and first-time author Debbie Weiss as we explore stepping out of your comfort zone, tapping into personal growth, and transforming your life! 🌟

Debbie's website
Morning Sprinkle of Goodness journal
On Second Thought ... Maybe I Can book


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Debra Jones: Welcome to Own the Grey, a podcast to dispel the notion that aging is undesirable and setting new positive attitudes. I'm Debra Jones and I believe you can be vibrant and healthy throughout the best years of your life. Debbie Weiss is an author, coach, speaker, and podcaster. In her new book, “On second thought … maybe I can” is available on Amazon, and she's the host of the maybe I can podcast. It's an appropriate title because she stopped saying I can't and replaced it with maybe I can - and that little tweak has changed her life. Debbie overcame her limiting beliefs and is now following her passion by helping and inspiring others to do the same. I'm excited to have you share your wisdom on Own the Grey Debbie, welcome to the show.

Debbie Weiss: Oh, Debra, thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here.

Debra Jones: In your book, you tell the story of how you overcame obstacles. What kind of obstacles were in your way?

Debbie Weiss: Well, I would say the biggest obstacle was myself, but I didn't really realize that for about the first 50 years of my life. My obstacles, I thought, were all my life circumstances. I have been a caregiver for over 45 years to family members. First to my dad, who had a stroke when I was 17 years old. He was only 45. He was permanently disabled, and my parents were divorced. And he lived for 30 years, thankfully. But for those 30 years, I was his caregiver. And then I had infertility struggles and so many other struggles that really so many of us have. But I was comparing myself to everybody else, thinking, why me? And is there all this is in life? My oldest son was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum and then with mental illness. My husband had physical and mental illness challenges and unfortunately was diagnosed with a terminal cancer out of the blue and passed away after six months. So one thing after another, and I just kept saying, why is this happening to me? And this is my life. I feel like I'm just sleepwalking through it and I have no control over anything that happens. And then I had an epiphany around 50 and said, that's not really true. I do have control, and that's when my life started to change.

Debra Jones: Wow, that is a lot to have managed. But when you get to that pivotal point where you realize something's got to give, something needs to change, what was your first step after that epiphany?

Debbie Weiss: My first step, and I didn't really realize what I was doing. It wasn't like I had this mapped out plan, but I decided to start with my health (and maybe we'll talk later) but I've always had a weight problem from the minute that I was born, and that added a lot to my limiting beliefs. And at that point in my life, I was about 100 pounds overweight. And I said, I've got to do something to get myself healthy. I think my mindset changed when I was younger. It was, I want to look good, I want to wear the nice clothes, which is still something that I desire. But as we get older, we realize, what are we doing to our bodies? And that becomes more important. And I went back to weight watchers because I've tried every diet in the world, but that has been the one that had been most successful for me. And I went back with a different goal in mind. All the other times I would say, I am going to lose 25 pounds in three months or by the summer or my birthday or whatever it is. And then if I didn't, it was over because I failed that perfectionist syndrome. I was on or I was off. If I was cheated, then it was, why bother? And this time I said, no, I am going to go to the meeting, and that is all I'm going to do. I'm not going to track my food. I'm not going to worry about what I eat. My goal was to attend a weight watchers meeting weekly. That's it. Yeah. Just show up. And that's all I did for the first couple of months until I was solid and wanted to go back. And I really didn't lose any weight. Up a few, down a few kind of thing. And then once I had that piece, I added something else small. I'm going to track my food 50% of the time, three days a week. And I slowly but surely just added those little goals once I was comfortable with the other, and it took me, I don't even know how many years. Honestly, I should look, maybe four years. And I have not reached my goal yet, but that's okay. I lost 90 pounds. I had to lose 100, or my goal was losing 100. And since then, I've kind of played, not that I wanted to up and down. Maybe I've gained back like 15, but I've caught it for the first time in my life, because now I realize this isn't going to end. This is not on again, off again. This is my new normal. This is my lifestyle, and I am still in the process of learning how to manage it. But it's the first time in my life that I have ever been able to do this for such an extended period of time.

Debra Jones: Wow. So that shift in your thinking, I think, played a big part in that. And it's those limiting beliefs. Like I've noticed that in my own life and in the life of my clients too, that it's the limiting beliefs that really keep us stuck. And we tend to stay in that disempowered state, afraid to expand or make any necessary changes for our own evolution. And we can often see where these limiting beliefs stem from. But how do we move past them? Do we have to change our mindset? Or does it go deeper than that, do you think?

Debbie Weiss: I think we first have to figure out what are our limiting beliefs. That was something that I wasn't aware of, that that was something that all of us have from the time we were children. And however you need to explore and self reflect, whether it's therapy or journaling or whatever modality, but to first figure out what it is. And what's interesting is then once you know, when you look back on your life and some of the decisions that you've made, you realize how those limiting beliefs have really affected and permeated your life. It was after my aha moment that I realized that it was all about my thoughts. I just assumed that if I was thinking it, it must be true. I never really even questioned it. And then I realized I've been telling myself lies, I've been talking negatively about myself. I've been telling myself I can't do something and that's not true. The things I'm saying are not true. And I think one of the hardest things, but most important is to catch yourself when those thoughts are actually coming through your head and realizing you're doing it, stopping it, and reframing what you're thinking.

Debra Jones: Yeah. It's not the easiest thing to do, but it's something we can practice doing. Sometimes we make it, sometimes we don't kind of thing. Yeah. So when you did your own soul searching and you discovered some of those things that you saw how you were standing in your own way, how did you get to from that point, “I can't do this because” type of thing to “maybe I can.” Was that something that was like your mindset shift mantra that you used or was it something that you had to learn gradually?

Debbie Weiss: Something I had to learn gradually. And I'm still learning and catching myself when something, either a thought or an opportunity, presents itself. And usually we say, I can't because we're afraid. We're afraid of failing. We're afraid of being judged not being good enough, being rejected. Right. All of those human emotions. And so when that fear presents itself, well, the way to protect yourself is just don't do it. Right? But then what I slowly discovered, as I would, like, stick my toe in the water and try something that I was fearful of, what I found was I discovered things about myself that I never knew. I was proud of myself for stepping through my fear, because I don't want to say I overcame it because I did it, scared I did it anyway, right? And once you get a taste of those teeny little victories, it's one thing after another that starts to add up, and it helps you gain that confidence. You do something. Once you get through it, you get to the other side and you're like, wow, I did it. And now maybe I could do something else, and maybe I could try something else. So it's a slow progression. In answer to your question.

Debra Jones: Yeah. So it's like we're growing. I mean, we are wired to grow and experience new things. And when those fears step in our way, we feel that that doesn't feel right to us. But it's almost like a safety place, right? Go back to the comfort zone. Right. And growth doesn't happen in the comfort zone ever. It's always when you push yourself out a little further in your podcast, you talk about growing your potential. So the idea of discovering and then expanding on that, and I assume that you've found ways to expand and evolve, and I wonder if you've got any tips that you can share with us on how we might do that, too.

Debbie Weiss: It has really been a combination of working on my mindset and also tuning into my gut. Your gut gives you little messages, and so many times we ignore them or we don't notice them. And I started really paying attention to it all started, for me, my mindset shift. It started by listening to a podcast. I had never listened to podcasts. I had one friend who always told me about them. I didn't even really understand what it was. I remember saying, who are you listening to? Like, who are these people that are talking? And she says, well, I don't know. I said, so if I go on, what do I do? And she says, search a subject. So, of course I search weight loss because that was my main subject. And I then found people I liked, I didn't like. And I heard a woman interviewed on one of the podcasts, and she had her own podcast, and I went and listened to her, and she was really a mindset coach, and she was launching a program, and it was expensive. And at the time, money was one of my main concerns. And I kept saying to myself, my logical brain said, you're out of your mind. You're worried about money, and now you're talking about spending money. No good. But something kept drawing me back, drawing me back to the website, drawing me back to her. And I said, I'm doing it because something's telling me that I need to. And I did. And I'll tell you, the first few weeks, I was the biggest pessimist. You see, she just stole my money. These were the things I was telling myself. She just stole my money. She just roped me in. And I'm not going to get anything out of it. And I have to tell myself, give it a minute. And I did, and I stuck with it. And I have to say that was the beginning of my transformation, that I'm still on. And since then, I've really kind of tapped into what feels right to try for my next step. And not every step is right, but that's okay because that's how you learn. All right, so that wasn't for me. Let me go back to that fork and see what else is going to come up that kind of has piqued my interest and keeps showing up for me.

Debra Jones: Yeah, it's that fear of failure that really. I feel that, too. It's like, what if I fail? But that failing, they say failing is just simply one step towards the success. Because you need to know what doesn't work to be able to figure out what does work for you. Right. And so it's not a failure as in, you're no good, you're a bad person, you've made a mistake, shame on you, that kind of thing. It's more of, okay, so what did I learn out of that experience? Because you'll get something out of it. I've taken courses, too. And at the end of the course, it's like, well, I didn't learn anything, but I did. I learned that. I already know that. So it's really a shift in your mindset, I totally agree, is really necessary. But to give yourself permission to step outside your comfort zone, because something new will be there for you. I always say to my clients, if you don't like your situation, you need to make a change, any change. One new thing will set you off in a new direction, and you get a new outcome. That's what Einstein said. You do the same thing over and over again, you get the same result. How can you expect to get a new result when you do the same thing.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. That's the definition of insanity..

Debra Jones: That's exactly it. So, Debbie, why did you write your book?

Debbie Weiss: Well, I was just going to. When you talk about one thing, it sets you off on a journey. That thing set me off on a journey that I could never in a million years have imagined. Never. I never wanted to write a book. I never thought I was going to host a podcast. All the things that I'm doing now, I wrote it because people would say, you should write a book now. People say that to a lot of people. And I would say, yeah, someday. But I've never aspired to be a writer. I've never had any interest in writing. I'm a numbers girl. I've always told myself I'm not creative. And once again, I was listening to a podcast. I heard a woman who helped first time authors get their stories out there. What she was talking about resonated with me. So I met her, loved her, and thought, you know, maybe I was meant to write a book. Maybe I can do this. And it was a twelve week course. Like I said, for first time authors. We were a small group, and when I signed up for it, I had just found out that my husband had been diagnosed with mds, which is a blood cancer. And I said to my therapist, I'm embarrassed to even tell you that I'm considering signing up for this thing. And she said, I think this is the perfect time to do it. I said, really? She said, yeah, because you need something of your own, something for yourself. That's completely different of everything else that was going on in my life. And I, of course, was worried because I was an a student, and what if I show up one week to the group and I didn't do my homework, or they make me read whatever I wrote out loud, and then they're all going to judge me, and what if I don't write the book? All of those things, right? That we tell ourselves, the excuses? And she said, so what? Okay, that's how I did it. When my husband died, I was two chapters short of finishing, and I had a deadline to get it to my editor. It was two weeks later. And of course she said, we'll extend the deadline and change all the dates. And I said, no, you know what I still need? Even the days after his funeral, I still need something different to focus on. And so I did, and I finished. And now I still can't believe when people say, you're an author and I'm holding my book, and people are telling me that they're reading about my life, which is scary, too, right? Very scary to reveal. I revealed some things that one thing in particular I never shared with anybody before. And now it's out there for the world to see.

Debra Jones: Yeah. That being a first time author, which I am too, by the way. It is a very nerve-wracking position to be in when you're just about to push the button and say you're done. It took me four years to push that button and say I was done. You could just keep going. Perfectionism was my downfall. And until I heard somebody say that done is better than perfect, right? And it's like, okay, so just push the button. The beautiful thing is, I self published, so I knew that if I'd made some grand error somewhere, I could go in and change the script. So that kind of took away the scariness, but it was still scary. And I'm with you. It's the most amazing feeling that you would never have experienced had you not done it. Right. And it also sparks a whole line of new experiences for you and kind of can change your life. It's really interesting. You're talking about you had some valid, what I would call valid excuses why you shouldn't be moving forward. But your therapist was right. It's like, well, so what? You could try it and see what happens. But I know a lot of people will have that excuse of, I'm too old.

Debbie Weiss: Yes.

Debra Jones: What do you have to say to them about that?

Debbie Weiss: Oh, my goodness. You're never too old. I was on a writer's group. I don't recall what it was, and I was the youngest one on that group by far, and I'm 60.

Debra Jones: Wow.

Debbie Weiss: These people were writing their first book at 85. I was blown away. You are never too old. As long as you're breathing, you can make it happen. Why not? I mean, who says that there's a time limit? Especially as we get older, we're wiser, we might have more resources, and you don't necessarily need resources. Whatever you really want, you can find for free online. But if you want to speed up the process, then resources help. But whatever it is, instead of, I don't know, I feel like you said in the beginning, our minds are meant to be stimulated, and when we learn something new or try something new, it just creates such a feeling of excitement and really can just shift your outlook. So why not try it? What's the reason? There is no reason.

Debra Jones: Yeah. So you mentioned again in one of your podcasts about some ways to fulfill your potential or sort of the steps towards doing that. Can you go through some of those with us and just kind of give us some framework, maybe, of how to do that? What's important?

Debbie Weiss: Well, as we've been discussing your mindset, your thoughts, changing those thoughts, something that I learned that I found very helpful. It's from the book The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. And there's a formula in there that is e plus r equals o, which means event plus response equals outcome. I was always under the impression, the event, the circumstances, whatever that was, someone being diagnosed with an illness, you yourself being diagnosed, money problems, whatever it is. I just thought, oh, well, this is it, and that equals the outcome. I had never thought about the r, which is your response, which is the part that we all have control over. And so, for me, since I am a math girl, I like those formulas, but that just resonated with me. I don't like my life. Oh, okay. I can't change the event, but I can change the outcome by changing my response. And so working on that, taking a little more responsibility for your life, looking at little areas of your life and saying, even, let's just say happiness, sit there and journal, what can I do? Only 5% more than I'm doing now to make myself happier and change the happiness to help improve my health or my money situation, whatever that is, you fill it in. But what can you do? Little thing, 5% more. I teach this exercise where I want you to journal write whatever you want to do. Let's just say ten sentences, whatever your number is, starting with, I can't. I can't. And I'll give you an example. I can't run a marathon. I can't get up at 05:00 a.m. And exercise. I can't learn to play the piano. Whatever. And we all know those things that are rolling around in our head. And once you have that on the same piece of paper, instead of starting with I can't start that sentence with I won't, or I choose not to. So I won't run a marathon. I choose not to learn to play the piano. I choose not to get up at 05:00 a.m. In the morning. When you hear that, hopefully you noticed the difference.

Debra Jones: Subtle shift. Exactly.

Debbie Weiss: It's this shift of when you say you can't. It's almost like there's some outside force that's telling you you can't do it. But that's not true. Now, look, I don't like to run. But could I run a marathon? Yes, I could. If I devoted myself, maybe I couldn't run it all, whatever. I could do it, but I don't want to, so I choose not to. And that's fine. But just realizing that, no, it's not that you can't. It's that you've made the decision not to do something. And I think when you start to analyze your life in that way and take responsibility, that starts to shift your mind. And then I would say the next step is really overcoming your fear. And I'm going to give you one, if you don't mind, share with your audience one other practical tool that could help with overcoming your fear.

Debra Jones: Yeah, please.

Debbie Weiss: Do you draw a picture of a sun. So a big circle, and then the rays, the spokes, whatever you want to call it, coming out of the sun. And in the middle, write what you're afraid of. So, for me, I'm afraid to travel alone. That's what I would write inside the circle, just one of the things, right? I have a whole list of things, but let's just start with that one. And now on the raise, I'm going to write, what can I do that could help me get over that fear? All different ideas around. So I could go somewhere alone, just for an afternoon. I could contact one of my friends who's traveled by herself and get some ideas. I could go somewhere for the weekend where I feel very comfortable. And when you start coming up with those ideas, you realize, okay, I don't need to just jump in and take a week long trip somewhere all by myself. It's just like everything. Let's start small and figure out what little thing can you do that can help give you that confidence to finally do that thing that you fear.

Debra Jones: I love that. That's really empowering when you start to see that you're coming up with your own solutions. Kind of kicks the fear in the butt there.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly. And it's just like, I think all of the things that we're talking about, nothing happens overnight. It wasn't like one day I was a victim of my life and the next day I was empowered. But we've got to start somewhere. And just what I've learned is the process of doing this alone is empowering. We know when our finish line, well, we don't know when our finish line is, but we know what that will be. And we should be evolving and constantly working on this. So really the living comes in the journey of discovering yourself and of trying all of these different ideas that's a really great quote.

Debra Jones: Living comes in the discovery… 

Debbie Weiss: … in discovering yourself. Right. Because that's what we're doing.

Debra Jones: Yeah. Living is in the journey of discovering yourself. I love that. So we shift our mindset. We address a fear or some of the fears, and when we have in mind something that we can do rather than what we can't do. That's the title of your book. Maybe I can. It's not a guarantee that you're going to be able to do something, is it? It is simply about trying and seeing what happens, don't you think?

Debbie Weiss: Oh, absolutely. I have tried so many different things, and some I said, okay, yeah, that's not for me, but at least I've given it a try and I've learned something. And maybe in that process, I thought about it, sparked something else that, okay, it might not be this, but it's this. Let's now explore. Let's go down that different road.

Debra Jones: Yeah. It's not unlike surfing on the Internet. You go look for something and you end up somewhere completely different after about an hour or so.

Debbie Weiss: Exactly.

Debra Jones: But I've learned a lot along that searching journey. Right. So it's no different to even trying something new. But what would you say to somebody that they understand what you're saying? But I guess what it is, is not having confidence in your own abilities. How would you address that?

Debbie Weiss: So maybe you start somewhere that it's not as scary as some of the other things, something that you might feel kind of comfortable doing. I personally also am a huge proponent of partnering with others. I am one for accountability. A few years ago, I never realized that one of my friends said, you're a groupaholic. I said, what? They said, you're such a joiner. And they kind of said it with that tone. And I thought to myself, you know what? I am. Because for me, being around other people that are experiencing something similar is extremely helpful. I want to talk to that other person who's like me, who doesn't have confidence. Maybe we can hold hands and do it together and cheer each other along. And there's something about that accountability piece. I'm going to bring it back to weight. Why was weight Watchers successful? For me, I needed a policeman. I needed to physically go there every week and step on that scale in front of somebody else. And for me, doing that at home by myself, I could give myself some stories. Right. Well, I won't step on it today. Well, what did I eat last night? Today is not a good day. Right. And I'm using that as an example, but it applies to everything with so many different struggles. I've been to many different support groups in the areas that I was struggling with as a family member, of somebody who had a family member struggling with mental illness, all different things. And what I found through this journey that started with going to take that course with the podcast woman, it did then lead me to other group programs, and for me, that has really helped me get to where I am today. Similarly to that writing group, all of a sudden I was surrounded by a few other women who were trying to do the same thing that I was. And they never wrote before either. So we could relate to each other. We had someone there who had done it and been through it and being there to buoy each other up. And we'd come some weeks without the homework. And what do you think they did? You think we got kicked out of the group or they yelled at us? No, they talked us through. Well, what happened? Why didn't you? Let's talk about why you didn't achieve what you wanted to this week and figure out what can you do next week to achieve your goal. And having that collaboration, for me, I think for anyone is really helpful. So I would say find a friend, find a group online, whatever that is that you might be interested in doing. But finding that accountability partner and camaraderie is very helpful.

Debra Jones: Beautiful. So you have some tools that can help people over on your website. I'll put a link in the show notes of your website. What would people find there?

Debbie Weiss: I do I have something to help you figure out how to fit in the time for self care. Maybe you're someone who's caring for somebody else. That's where kind of this freebie was born from when I was in my really heavy caregiving season. Very important to find time to take care of yourself. So there's some tips on that. I also have something else called morning sprinkle of goodness, where it gives you some other ideas if you're new to journaling or just looking for something different, some prompts that can help you get started in the morning with a journaling practice, which was something that I always said I can't do and discovered. It's something I love. And then last but not least, there is a freebie about some exercises and steps you can take to kind of start this process of unlocking your power and your potential.

Debra Jones: It's great. It's always good to get some tools and not have to reinvent the wheel, right? Because there are people that have been through that. So if you were to leave our listeners with one message of how learning all of this has changed your life, what would you say?

Debbie Weiss: Maybe this doesn't answer the question directly, but this is what I feel called to say. I talk about it a little in the book is that I've never had a particular quote. That was my quote, so to speak. And I talk about when I was younger and in the yearbooks, they would ask you, well, what's your quote? And I thought to myself, do twelve year olds really have a quote that they live by? What's wrong with me? And a couple of years ago, I discovered a quote that I've heard over and over in my life. And all of a sudden, it resonated very differently with me. And it's from Glinda, the good witch from the wizard of Oz, who said, you've always had the power, my dear. You've just had to learn it for yourself. And I always took that face. Know, Glinda was telling Dorothy, all you had to do was click your heels three times and say, there's no place like home. But it's so much more because I've learned that I, along with you, have the power to do anything that we want. And so how I've changed my life is that every day now, I wake up excited for what's to come. People I'm going to meet like you, Debra, every day. It's miraculous to me and so exciting that I get to share my message and meet such wonderful people. And my life has, it's grown exponentially. And my final message is each of us, regardless of your circumstances, regardless of how old you are, take all of those excuses that you're telling yourself and throw them right out the window, because you can do whatever you want.

Debra Jones: This episode of Own The Grey is brought to you by. I AM. Discover your unique talents, realize your potential, and align to your path. Take the first step to uncover your life purpose by visiting www.DebraJones.ca/courses